worn down and out.

6 days down 6 days to go.

S is visiting from Greece.

I thought it would be easier, but we are starting to get on each others nerves. One minute he is confessing his insecurities about his boyfriend, the next he is trying to give me advise on my fragile relationship, and then the next he is on Grindr or some other internet site showing me guys and asking what I think.

Today we went uptown.

My least favorite part of NY.

I wanted to show him the exhibition at the Met by the Starn twins that Noel and I wanted to go to but didn't make in time last time we were up there.  Yesterday he took the sweetest step, leaving me a flower with my bike. Yet under other circumstances I probably would have sent one to him with out thinking, but the past weeks have gotten only worse.

After wards I walked down 5th Ave with S. We walked from Barneys to Rockefeller Plaza. Searched for a Pizza place and ended up going to Herald Square. I felt like Freedy Johnston for a minute. I felt like I had a bad reputation. And I felt like everything was breaking down. Like in his one hit wonder song. I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. Why this was headed to where it is heading and how this "space" approach is just that... A space. growing like a vacuum. Sucking me dry. Wearing me down and most of all tearing my heart to pieces. The noise around me grew to an unbearable volume. I felt trapped, panic stricken. I needed to get out of there in to the safety of what was neither my home nor a haven but a place for the time being that I could get away from the chaos which was for more than a moment, hard to differentiate as to whether it was what was around me, or in me. But no matter where I find myself these days, its hard to find peace in waiting.