blind sided

it's a weird place to be in. Not knowing what is going in someone else's head and watching their eyes fill with tears and push you away. You sit their and you wonder, you wait and you think the worst, and time goes by and nothing changes. I feel helpless, like anything i will do will not be good enough or just isn't right. I can imagine what some of it is about. But I can never imagine what I could do to make it better. Some battles need to be fought alone. And what makes me happy, apparently doesn't make the next person happy. obviously. duh...
It was 2004. The Olympics were about to begin in a week and the whole the city became a beautiful utopia. Everything seemed perfect on the outside. Even me. But I was miserable. And I needed to escape. I remember driving on Poseidonas. Coming from Cape Sounio. The light was dancing in the waves and their was no one on the coastal highway of southern Attiki except for me and Sakis. We got to the point where the road turns before the small villages of Lavriou and the island where during WWI refugees from Asia Minor were sent in quarantine to die, sat across from us and stared in a lonely silence. Where during the Junta opposition artist, politicians and other public figures who spoke out against the regime were sent to in confinement and left to stand for themselves. I felt isolated like that island. No not like a rock, in a Simon and Garfunkle kind of way, but that no one understood how I felt. I had lost my job, and was scraping to get by, my body had started to turn against me again and I was in the first stages what would be a long battle that I still am confronting day in and out. I was suddenly broke. I was depressed.My real family was a million miles away, and my parents would never call me. My life was a mess in short. I would never feel it anything was enough and never felt like I had anything to offer anymore. I was suffocating in silence, and screaming on the inside. I begged him to pull over for a second. I needed to get out of the car. Needed to walk for a minute and look over the cliffs down at the Saronic gulf stretch across between me and this small island across the way. Needed to smell the dry air, filled with the scent of oregano and thyme, of the leaves of a lonely fig tree with over ripe fruit crying for desperation, crying to get picked and eaten. Their was a wind that always prevails in Greece, blowing and almost knocking me over. I wanted to cry. I wanted to have him come behind me and comfort me, just for a minute. To get the feeling that even though I am going through this dark spot in my life, that I could make it through it because I was not alone. Because I couldn't stand on my own for a moment. And it was alright to feel that way. But he couldn't do it. And that was the end. A spiral spinning out of control, unraveling an endless yarn of disaster. I got over it. Eventually. And at the time though I wanted to feel that I had a hand to help me up, I had to do it on my own. But the resentment I felt afterwards still remained. I don't look back and say 'wow, I did it on my own', but wow, I was really abandoned by some one because my life was too difficult for them to help me through. After that period I never felt like that again. I never allowed my self to get to that state. It took time. Months went by. Maybe even a year until I was good again. But it was an endless cycle, one thing after the other, one problem going away with another waiting around the corner to greet me. But I survived. But I lost faith in others. And when I finally had the courage to try again, I was betrayed again. And now here I am trying to do the right thing. Trying to do the things that others could not do to me. Be true, Be faithful, be loving, be honest, be forgiving, be caring, be fun, be listening, be there, or just go away. It's not easy. But I want to do the right thing.


Yesterday I went to see if I could get the skin tag removed but I was told I will need to go to a specialist. I felt helpless again, but I had a phone call that meant some one was concerned and it made me feel good. And inspired me not to let it take over. I should have taken care of this while I was in Greece. I should have never had let it get to where it was going.
But this week has been a struggle in general.
And at work It was a somber two days at Gilt. only three studios were running on Thursday and only two on Friday. I am not booked next week either... I will see if I can take a few days away. something cheap and meaningful. Their was a weird quietness that was depressing there. It was almost like a funeral party. These are days like walking on ice. I wonder if I will make it across the body of water before the ice breaks and pulls me under while listening to the cracks grow behind my footsteps..